Hi, I’m back with another rant. Why another? Because I tend to rant from time to time. Why back? Because it’s been a while since I wrote another entry. Anyway, without further ado, let’s go!
The fire is gone. Yep, the fire, the flame, the juice, the burning coals, the smoking iron, call it whatever you want, but we’re talking about creativity, inspiration, and love for doing what you’re doing. And while it might seem that I’m talking about myself, in fact, I am most definitely not talking about myself.
I’m talking about people who quit writing (or basically any other creative thing/hobby/profession/underline-whatever-you-find-appropriate-or-fitting) because the fire is gone. And I’m not the kind of guy who’s going to kick someone for knowing when to stop. I respect that. Sometimes you said everything you wanted to say, sometimes you expressed your ideas the way you wanted, sometimes you just laid the line just as planned. I get it. And as I said, I respect that.
But we’re talking about different stuff. Recently I noticed a trend among a few people I know, people who write, who also try to become professional writers. The trend is simple – call it a day, hang the gloves, and claim that you’re done. Why? Because the fire is gone.
Now, while talking to them, I tried to understand why the fire is gone. And without making it too long or unnecessary complicated, let me just say that in their case it all comes down to money. Yep, money and fame (or recognition, probably more fitting word since fame sounds dirty in the context).
Apparently, these guys were working on their novels for so long, put so much hope and soul in it that when the day of release came and literally, no one bought it, they felt down. And I get this. This might be a huge blow. Especially when you think you’re telling the truth, everyone should hear (techno-thriller in the style of Tom Clancy, people, but let’s say with Polish-centered after-taste), but somehow world either not ready or not really interested in hearing the said truth.
And here I’ll be honest with you. I’m a terrible friend. I didn’t read their novels. Well, they didn’t read mine, either. So we’re even. I can’t say whether they are good or bad and even if I could, chances are I’ll be biased. I’m not a critic. I’m a writer. I write. That’s what I do.
So, anyway, after talking on the reasons why they are quitting, the response was more or less the same – there was no reaction from readers. And don’t get me wrong, the Polish book market is wild. People love to read. In particular, they love to read Polish authors. On the local bookstore websites, fairly unknown to the world writers receive more positive reviews than Stephen King could’ve expected for his recent books combined on Amazon. The local market is strong and favorable for local writers. And I’m not writing in Polish because I’m not good enough to write in Polish (just being realistic here for a moment). That’s why I made a wise decision to massacre other language. Which is English, by the way. Yet these guys are. They are good. One of them even has a PhD in linguistics, so he knows language better than 90% of the population (keeps reminding me why my language is shit, but he’s not judging. I do).
After hearing their reasons and scratching my head for a while, I understood that I can’t relate to their problems. The fire is gone because no one reads or buys your book? Tough luck, probably. And by the way, it doesn’t mean that I’m so successful that I can’t understand the struggles of the young (could people over 30 be called young?) authors. In fact, to equalize our struggles, I’ll say something others might not be so proud to admit – no one reads me either. My third novel, which was released on 31st of December 2023, was bought 0 times. It was read 0 times by people outside of my household (well, my cat also ignored this novel, but he’s a hater). Even my friends gave up on reading my novels (only one person actually finished the second novel). So, yeah, I know what it’s like to be unknown, struggling author. You don’t have to tell me how hard it is, I’m living it (even though, to be honest, lately something changed in the sky, and random people started buying my novels).
What I understood, though, is that I can write this entry and make it all about myself because this is the way (and also I’m selfish, alright?). And the best way to make it about myself is to say that I can’t relate to the statement that the fire is gone. At least not because of money or recognition. I can’t understand that as motivation. I mean, I know this could be a huge blow. You put your time, and effort, and soul, and hard work, and after everything you’ve been through (if writing feels like a punishment, of course) at the end of the day, you get zero. Absolute zero. Yes, I understand that. It is tough, it is painful, and I bet the majority of authors experienced that feeling. Hell, I experienced that exact feeling over fifteen years ago when somehow I published my first novel (actually it was a novella) and suddenly it went nowhere. I expected it to be another hot thing. New big author. Actually I was, but in a very narrow circle and fifteen or so years later, when my father sold those books to some of his friends and acquaintances and people actually liked them (or should I say their kids)… which was weird since it was written by a sixteen-year-old idiot with not a lot of real-life experience, but who played Fallout 1-2 and Persona 2 too much (maybe that’s why kids liked them).
But back on track. The fire is gone because no money and no fame. That made me think what authors expect from their novels? I mean, what is their goal? I try to research other authors, just to hold my fingers on the pulse. To see what others doing. And the problem is that the majority drop out of the writing game after the first novel or maybe two. And that seems too fast for me. Like come on, one or two novels? This is just the beginning. You have to try more, that’s where the style appears, the better you understand yourself. Not everyone is a lucky one with impeccable personal style and voice after the first novel. Not even after two, or three. You have to up the numbers. You have to work for it, fight for it, prove that you’re who you are. But that’s just my opinion. Okay?
I also noticed that some emphasize that they wrote their novel for 10+ years (360 pages or so, for 10+ years… which applying some very basic math gives us less than 0,1 pages per day… which isn’t a lot, to be honest). What I see there is a tremendous input of the high hopes with enormous efforts. Those books turn into some sort of magnum opuses, works of entire life (you can say that, since writing something for 10+ years is hard, really hard). No wonder when you give so much and receive so little, you’re going to be discouraged. No wonder the fire will be gone (I’m actually surprised one’s able to keep it burning through 10+ years of writing the same thing). No wonder the person is going to hate writing and everything related to it with all their heart and soul.
What I don’t understand is where the toughness. And I mean just this rebellious attitude where you just do what you like the way you want it. Not for money, not for fame, not for recognition, approval, appraisal. For none of that. But just because you like it. Because you want it. Because writing is easier than not writing at all. It feels like a lot of those who quit just have no this killer instinct or buried it under the layer of modern get rich fast or quit and go after another thing. It’s like people stopped pursuing their dreams and instead went for instant gratification. Like this internet fame and army of followers is all you need to fight for. And if you have none, you’re a failure and shouldn’t do it.
Maybe there’s something wrong with me, but I adore this game. No one read your first two novels? Let’s write the third one to make the list of unread novels bigger. Then the fourth, just because I can. Then the fifth, since we’re already going, the wheels are rolling, the keyboard is hot, and I have ideas and I see no reasons why external approval should impact the way I want to work. I mean, I’m a strong believer that people will find it one way or the other. My job is just to write it, put it out there, and let it be (also come up with cool covers, because I’ll be honest with you, I love coming up with covers). Everything else isn’t my problem and not my concern. I write. That’s what I do. That’s what I want to do. And that’s what I love to do. Following, or lack of, is irrelevant when you’re doing what you love and believe in.
It feels like if you’re an author you have to earn your keep with your novels. What’s with that? Who even said you have to? I mean, okay, there are tons of big names who claim that the author must write and do nothing else. But come one, most of those who say that were brought up in different time, in different economy, in different technology. We have it tougher and easier at the same time. Publishing your novel is now very easy, you don’t have to bend under the publisher to get it out there. Being seen and make a living out of it is probably more difficult. Especially since the majority of people don’t read anymore and if it’s longer than 15 seconds it’s considered too long (funny thing, Gore Vidal said the same thing but about TV back in the 70s, and I bet some smart Greek said that thousands years ago but about theater). But we’re living in different times.
Besides, working is not something one should be ashamed of. After all, we all have to eat and in my perspective, if you’re earning enough on your hack-job (I like to call my job like that, thanks to Vonnegut) you have more freedom to write what you want how you want it. And for me, personally, that sounds like freedom. You’re not impacted by the sales, you don’t have to worry about staying within boundaries or trends or the next big thing. After all, you don’t have to be the slave of the algorithm, platform, and everything else. You write what you want to write, how you want to write, and don’t have to be worried that it doesn’t sell.
You just do what you love and if there are others who find you interesting, then you’re in luck. Maybe eventually there’ll be a career out of it. But this independence, this ability to write what you want, how you want and not to be worried about food, rent, and utility bills, that’s the freedom. The rest is what fuels your fire and makes sure it’ll burn. Because if it burns inside you, it doesn’t matter what is going on outside. You’re doing what you love. And in our time, doing something what you love is important.